I am ashamed

Right at 8 p.m I was on my bed agitated of that the fact that I have to cook something for myself again. Morning I got up at 7, prepared breakfast, boarded bus to the office, finished my work and back home. 12hrs passed by like a minute. I can keep doing this for a year everyday and never feel realize how the time is flying away.

Did my mom feel this too for 30 years of her work ? If I feel no time for myself, how did she feel when she had to cook for the whole family? What was my mom doing when she was working? I remember seeing her crying, I remember seeing her gazing on the floor. I feel now what she used to feel then. I also remember that my dad never asked me to help her in the kitchen. I grew up thinking that its her job to feed everybody in the house.

Such a shameful feeling I am standing amidst today. I cant look at myself in the mirror. I let my mom work like a donkey at her office whole day, travel back home in the bus for an hour, without a half an hour of rest get back to kitchen at 7 p.m. stay there up till 9 p.m. feed everybody in the hall and herself up eating at the last at 10 pm. Sitting there till 11 p.m to sometimes 12 mid-night preparing things ready for the next day's cooking session.! She forgot how she looked, that she is also a human, that she has to take care of her health, that she is alive.

I was there with her all the time. Everyday I saw her but never really saw her. What was I doing when she was struggling all alone? I did my school, played outside till 7 p.m, came back, studied, ate and slept. Never bothered to think about what she went through to keep us all happy. I also complained of how bad she cooked. I wonder such a mean person I was. I wonder I spit back on myself for never knowing my mom. When out of blue did she asked me to help her I would say "mom i am studying, I cant help you". And what did I achieve after studying so much? Marks in the results paper. What did I loose after studying that way? My self-respect. I lost my self-value for not being there for my mom when she needed someone to lighten her burden in her life. not for a day, a month. But years and years.. And what is the use of such education that doesnot teach you compassion? That does not teach you make the people in your life smile? The purpose of such education system is lost somewhere..


I feel ashamed to say I am sorry mom. I am ashamed of making you feel all alone for years. I am ashamed of not holding you when you where falling everyday with stress and strained yourself for our happiness. I am ashamed of not returning even a pie of your love towards me and the family. I am ashamed of being intelligently blind. I am ashamed that I can't run back 20 years and share your load. I am ashamed so much mom.