Transform Savita

 A short story by sindhu bijjal

"Savita! Here you go!"

My neighbour from the tenth floor had come to give my clothes which had fallen into her balcony. 

I'm searching for the tablets that the neighborhood pharmasutical owner had scribbled on the piece of paper which i had hastily tucked away with some tablets into the brown paper cover. 

My one year six months daughter is hanging down pulling my pyjamas half past my ass with tears passing down her cheeks to join and make a single dripping tear on her chin. Her open mouth hasn't shut for a good hour. 

My head is pounding. I was still counting on my sister Shalini to come over and Take care of my  little girl aarvi so that i can catch up some rest. It's been a week I logged on into my computer and there were already a few missed calls from my office in my phone. By looking at my phone, i  remember that i had been postponing the thought of buying a new phone for almost a few months now and excuse everytime is the same, there's no time. I'm going round and round in my head thinking whether i should order the  Phone online or take aarvi along with me in the cab and visit a store nearby to buy one. Should I just go to get the vaccines for aarvi first and then visit the phone store because her paed is available only on the morning hours? I dont seem to get the to do list to the finish line but just keep starring at it as  grows forever without any light at the end of the tunnel. 

While aarvi still hanging on to my pants, i manage to prepare some ragi porridge. Aarvi would throw a taturm to eat even a few spoons now but i had no choice, i have to keep the girl going, eating atleast something in the whole day. I close my eyes and  think to herself "i think it's a good time i remove the nanny and start sending the baby to the day care. But how will my baby tell them to change her diaper? What if she eats something with peanut by mistake because she's allergic to peanuts? How do I drop her and pick her up because i still can't get the damn driving? . A zillion things start go swirling up in my mind. I put off the light pulled my blanket, pat my baby's bum and i closed my eyes. 

It's a good summer day today  I pick up the phone and i give a call to Shalini. 

"Hi sis, I'm leaving in a minute. I should be there in another five minutes." Shalini cuts the call. Even though it's harmful to have screentime for babies as small as aarvi, because of teething she's extra clingy to me today and I turn on TV to show her some underwater fishes and penguins flapping their wings with David Cameron talking from the background. She started looking at the moving animals while i poured some hot coffee. Calling siddhardh crosses my mind. Did i make a mistake by packing my bags and getting out of his home, rather the home that was ours for a few years? After all he's not that bad of a person and he can definitely be more than a decent father. It's just that he's a bit lazy. Mmm.  did i overreact by moving out and trying and struggling to figure out everything by myself for myself and my aarvi? I'm not sure. 

The bell rings. 

I go to open the door and put up a smile at Shalini " come in" i say. 

As soon as she comes, she checks out if aarvi is okay and looks at me. She blurts " you still look weak, have you taken your tablets and suppliments?" I nod a yes.

Although the thought of being alone without siddarth and managing work and the baby seemed so challenging, plunging into it was the most scariest thing i could ever do. After i packed my bags and left him for good, it only seemed things are falling in place one by one like a jigsaw puzzle coming to life. 

Even today i feel exhhausted from all the cooking in the morning, dropping aarvi to her day care, running to finish up my 9 to 5, pick up aarvi and come home to yet sign into another job of taking care of the baby till she sleeps. It's exhausting and sometimes i feel I'm reduced to nothing owing to the burden of this responsibility but yet, at the end of the day i smile and i feel strong. I feel i could do it and push through another day proudly unlike feeling drained, demotivated and suicidal while i was with siddarth. Now i feel tired but i also feel accomplished after getting my work done well at office while i felt tired, useless and unfocused attending calls by siddarth every hour to fight over trevial matters. While i feel I'm prepared for tomorrow but wen i was with siddarth i used to doze off with baby in my arms and breasts with tears wetting the pillows thinking tomorrow should never come. Siddarth never cheated, he never did anything wrong nor clubbed late nights and wasted money. He was a good guy in everybodys eyes, he just sat in his couch whole day, logged into his job but never really worked much, he gave me glares and said i deserve nothing while munching on his sides with whisky in his hands. He did nothing in the morning when aarvi would cry for me and i had to cook all by myself with aarvi in my arm. He hired a cook, he hired a maid to make our lives easier while he watched his movies and matches, plays his video games quietly into the dark. He kept saying me that i should start to chill in life but i was not that type. He said I'm crazy, I'm sadistic, I'm dark and I'm good for nothing. I looked forward to excel at my job and setup my business some day, i looked forward to make more out of each passing day and i looked forward to be the best parent to aarvi. I took parental classes to ditch traditional childrising. I was not siddarth. Siddarth was not me. Siddarth is a very good guy whilst I'm not a good one.